Movies as Bad Reality Shows

Million Dollar Baby - Miami’s most desperate appraisers go on a diaper dumpster diving quest when we have a random local infant swallow a rare diamond.

No Country For Old Men - These first-generation immigrants survived wars, raised families, and finally retired in America. Now watch them try to survive their aggressively gentrifying neighborhoods! Regular coffee? Nice try, bro.

Mystic River - Mike Rowe gets his hands dirty again while he single-handedly tries to clean up Boston’s most hazardous watershed. Things get ugly when a group of Red Sox fans petition to keep it that way.

The Dark Knight - It’s after-hours at King Richard’s Faire, and ten lucky cast members go on poorly lit dates with their mysterious jousting champion. Will love remain when the helmet comes off? Find out in this Bachelor-meets-Phantom extravaganza!

There Will Be Blood - The field of anesthesiology sounds good on the surface, but once you start poking holes in people, it’s a whole new ballgame! See which of these med students makes it through their rotations and which default to ‘Undeclared.’

Taxi Driver - This CashCab spinoff features the stop-and-go thrill of the original, but we forgot to have the contestants sign personal release forms.

The Fifth Element - Everything you could possibly want to know about boron and the strange lives of its biggest fanatics.