The Hyde Park Bandstand sits amidst one of London’s largest and most luxurious green spaces. Its vast grounds give visitors the impression that it couldn’t possibly be amongst one of the busiest metropolises in the world. The structure itself is no more than an eight-sided, elevated platform, above which sits a decorative metal roof held up by black iron columns. Emanating from the base of its steps, large pavestones encircle the platform, and a few meters out from that is a stout garden fence; one that could feasibly keep out small children or any number of flightless birds. On this particular Sunday afternoon, the stage was taken by a fighter and his training partner, perhaps attracted to the octagonal shape made popular by contemporary Mixed Martial Arts arenas. The trainer pranced gracefully around the perimeter of the gazebo wearing padded mitts as the trainee followed, fists up, entrained on his two outstretched targets. Engrossed in the moment, the two moved swiftly back and forth, then side to side, in their own little eight-sided world with the gate locked behind. Passersby didn’t take much notice, but attention was of no concern for the men, motivated by nothing more than a sunny Spring day, a mutual rush of testosterone, and the love of the sport.
So focused were they, as they traded gloves from fighter to training partner and back again, they hadn’t noticed the few girls that mysteriously appeared along the short fence between the Bandstand and the gravel pathways that sprawled out to the rest of the park. But even the prospect of being observed couldn’t shake much more than a sideways glance out of the determined sportsmen. Had they stopped to investigate the developing situation, they would have seen the churning mass in the distance rapidly approaching from the main path. The fighters, however, kept at it while the only sounds that could be heard aside from a distant car horn were the shuffling of their shoes and the satisfying *pock* of a gloved fist making contact with another.
Then suddenly, a piercing shriek punched a hole in the otherwise tranquil soundscape. Some nearby turned their heads, but the two men kept theirs down and their hands up. The initial disturbance was then followed by another which was followed by another and so on until they began to overlap melding into a menacing drone screeching toward them. Pedestrians casually strolling through the park were now hurling themselves off of the main pathway as a flood of seemingly rabid teens and tweens charged violently toward the Bandstand. Within seconds, the mob descended upon the tiny perimeter fence like a flock of buzzards awaiting their next meal. It wasn’t until they were completely surrounded by concentric rows of them that the fighters broke concentration and were taken aback by the mass of anxious faces gazing at them- then past them- then in every other direction. The fighters’ first instincts were to back away, but with nowhere to back away to, they gestured incredulously with their gloves to invoke some sort of explanation. Instead, a mutual taciturnity continued on while the fighters mumbled to each other, and each of the girls glanced down at her smartphone. After several more seconds and the craning of many necks, another scream pierced the air followed by a seismic shift in the crowd as it morphed again into a torrent that funneled back down the main pathway and out of sight. The final cries echoed like a pack of banshees in the night and subsided as some stragglers in the group, winded from the mad rush, stumbled to the next prospective location. Once again the park was quiet as a couple unlucky members of the pack were left behind. One limped off to the side from a potential ankle sprain. Another wept as she held out a limp wrist while bystanders attempted to diagnose the sustained injury.
The fighters looked onward with glazed eyes where the horde became one with the horizon. Only after the dust had literally settled did they slowly muster the focus to continue on with their training. Having been separated several yards from the crowd, they wouldn’t have been able to distinguish a word from the cloud of fanatical discourse amongst it, nor would they have picked out the names of the two YouTube celebrities with which it was collectively infatuated. They would never have seen the little screens of the phones flashing updates which inaccurately disclosed the secret location of their next surprise appearance. For the few eyewitnesses that knew of these details, it was a silly mixup of time and place, but for our beloved training partners, their bewilderment will forever live on.
snub-nosed swamp dweller
1. Hide under the pile of coats.
2. Age is irrelevant in terms of eligibility for the kid's table.
3. Tradition trumps discretion.
4. There's no dignified way to say goodbye to someone you forgot to greet. Have another cookie and cut your losses.
5. Effects of tryptophan are a myth. It doesn't actually mak
Dearest Whole Foods,
I first want to genuinely thank you for being an abundant resource of healthy and quality foods for me and my partner. We live in quite a wonderful neighborhood close by but aren’t within a convenient proximity to any WF locations otherwise, and we’re truly lucky to have you around! We usually make the trek out to some of the larger stores on our bigger weekend stock-ups, but when we find ourselves mid-week needing those couple of things we’ve run low on, you’re our go-to! (So much so that you’ve earned the nickname ‘Close Foods’ in our home.)
Because of the strict Gluten Free dietary restrictions we have, we’ve found it easier to cook all of our meals from scratch, and the fresh produce and ingredients you’ve graced your shelves with have made this immensely easier for us to accomplish.
But hey - we’re also human.
Admittedly, on some of those looooooong weekdays, we’d rather throw a pre-cooked meal in the microwave and watch Netflix until we feel guilty about it. The certified GF options are usually hard to come by with those quick-n-easy meals, but you’ve done a great job accommodating for this, especially with the inclusion of the Against the Grain Gourmet frozen pizzas.
But herein lies my request:
The Classic Flatbread Pizza? A classic, of course.
The Pepperoni Pizza?? A great gluten-free adaptation of a fan favorite.
But the Pesto Pizza??? I can only equate this with the simultaneous rush and comfort of skydiving into an bottomless pit of marshmallows. Or solving a Scooby Doo type mystery, but instead of Scooby Doo, it’s dozens of cute puppies.
Seriously- slice up two chicken sausages, throw them on top of that Pesto Pizza, and you’ve got one of the best damn things you’ve ever eaten in less than 20 minutes. However, as of yet, we haven’t seen this particular pizza in your store. Every week, we peer longingly through the frosted doors of the frozen food aisle hoping to catch a glimpse of the characteristic green box of the Against the Grain Gourmet Pesto Pizza to no avail.
‘Next time,’ we tell ourselves.
But week after week, rummaging through that frigid bottom shelf like raccoons (don’t worry, we reorganize it afterward), we leave without our beloved cheesy wheel of pesto-smothered, crusty goodness. I’m not sure how complex the logistics would be in stocking the Pesto Pizza in addition to the others you currently have, but we would be eternally grateful if it were possible. At the very least, we would stop sending you annoyingly long letters.
Your neighbor, The Clack
2. They're going to have to forfeit the policy.
3. Right. I see- I see.
4. A Kugler Report. Yes. K-U-G-L-E-R.
5. Administratively- oh, I'm on a train. Can you hear me?
6. Yes. To maximize the cash value.
7. Honestly, what else are you going to do?
1. Singer wins 'American Idol.’
2. Texas Mom Hit By Mexico Bullet.
3. An asteroid is definitely going to hit the Earth, expert warns.
4. Lohan late, co-star angry.
5. 6 Things Your Pee is Trying to Tell You.
6. What your cat is really up to.
7. Are you secretly racist?
8. Turn your yard into a water park - right now.
9. How the U.S. Should Handle North Korea's Threats.
10. 32 Super-Creative Chicken Casseroles.
Bagelsaurus, Cambridge, MA
May 7th, 2017
My Dear Wife,
I hope this letter finds you well. The sun is high at present, and although my tearful departure from home was some time ago, it seems that breakfast will most definitely have passed by the time I can return with your Eggspañola. I stand here amongst my brave brothers and sisters at an unfortunate standstill for what has seemed like hours after our arrival. The shop has already opened its doors, but our ranks already run dozens deep past the storefront. As you recall, I awoke shortly after sunrise to “beat the rush,” but it must already be near noon as the sun bears down on our infantry on this most unseasonably hot morning. There may well be some validity to this “global warming” we have been hearing so much about.
Spirits have been low among us, and as much as I myself am tempted, I take pity on the poor souls that find they need to resort to the Express Line, settling for the Grab Bag of pre-assorted bulk bagels. You of all people, Margaret, know that I believe that the freedom of choice is what sets this great nation apart from the rest, and I intend to fight for it no matter the cost. As I write this letter, I am reminded of your smile, gleaming brighter than the dawn of a Spring day glistening off of the dewy hillside out our kitchen window. One of my deepest regrets would be to disappoint you, but what pulls at my heartstrings most is to think of our children, little Anna and young William. It pains me to think they may be subjected to Pop-Tarts for the third time this week. It is my duty to provide our children prosperity and variety - things that my father could not afford for his own.
Please write soon. I can nearly see the sign for Bruegger’s around the bend, and already there have been hushed whispers of abandonment among us. I, however, remain strong and shall not settle for anything short of four dollars per bagel for the ones I hold dearest.
Your affectionate husband,
Joseph A. Bartlett
Once there was a chickadee named Russell. He was the biggest of all chickadees. Russell always picked on other chickadees. Except he was nice to one chickadee. Chris, Chris and Russell always used to walk down the street and do bad things like take all the chickadee’s money and beat them up. They also broke promises with other chickadees. One day Russell and Chris went down the street and saw the most beautiful girl chickadee they ever saw. Chris and Russell ran toward her. Then Russell started, heh, hem, hello whats your name? She said hi I’m Alexandra. Russell said, wanna be my boy friend then Chris cut in - no wanna be my boy friend forget about Russell. All right both of you shut-up. All of a sudden she said surender she took off a mask and zapped the bullys, they ran away and never came back and never botherd any one again. At the end of the day every one in chickadee town took off their masks and they were aliens! Then they all said, good job Alexandra said all the ailens, and one alien said this isn’t chickadee town this is alien world!
Written and recorded within the month of February for the 2017 RPM Challenge