I’m A Landfill Eagerly Awaiting The Next Apple Keynote Event

In the past few years, I have seen an incredible surge in technology that solves problems nobody has with devices nobody asked for. Apple has done an amazing job at persuading consumers to buy every new thing they produce. I, for one, can’t wait to be the eventual recipient of this season’s future trash. Of course, I have no immediate knowledge of what the next announcement will bring, but to my credit, I’m a patient pile of garbage. I only need to wait a few human years to find out (which, in landfill years is practically infinitesimal.) No pre-order madness. No payment plans. Just a steady stream of everlasting refuse. Like clockwork, this quarterly event will prompt a purge of everyone’s antiquated devices from five years ago as they make room for the next big thing. 

You must be wondering: “What could a landfill possibly want with electronics?” Well, I like to think of myself as a collector of sorts! For some, it’s boxes of sneakers that are so expensive you can’t expose them to sunlight. For me, it’s fruit-branded trophies of obsolescence composed of Earth’s rarest metals. At this point, I own more Apple devices than any person in the world. Every single one of them was free, and you’d be shocked at how many of them still work! I don’t really understand each device’s intended purpose, but it can’t be historically important if these things hardly existed a few decades ago.

To be clear, I’m not particularly excited about hazardous materials leaching into the groundwater and slowly poisoning the entire ecosystem, but I’m merely an inanimate open pit designed to contain a limited range of household waste. How am I supposed to hold humans accountable for e-recycling? Most people want to believe they’ll dispose of things in the proper manner, but when a stressed-out parent of four wants to clean out the drawer full of old iPods, we all know the quickest solution. In any case, I do like to have a little bit of fun with an occasional game of ‘Guess the Gadgets’ as each keynote approaches. Binaural implants that play sitcom theme songs as your own personal soundtrack? Swim goggles that simulate drowning in a sea of your own dull job tasks? Who knows! All I can say is that I’m willing to bet this lost hard drive full of cryptocurrency that it’ll be a banner year.