Fictional Correspondence: An Email Regarding Pink Floyd

From: Universal Music Group

Subject: Animals 44th Anniversary

Forty-four years ago, Pink Floyd unleashed Animals, a five-track epic lauded as one of modern music’s boldest challenges to the Establishment. In this ode to George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Roger Waters’ incisive anti-authoritarian lyrics take on systemic injustice in the 20th century while the band’s perilous soundscapes hold up a mirror to the world. Together, they paint a harrowing portrait of the exploitative power structures of capitalism, both as a scathing critique and as a warning about the dystopian future it promises. The pigs, dogs, and sheep of society all make their own appearance, their roles laid out through a metaphorical framework in five parts.

In the decades since its release, the album’s predictions ring truer with each passing year. Today, the unrelenting march towards globalization multiplies the atrocities of a viciously exploitative political-economic system, the glorification of celebrity and material excess sets unattainable standards of exclusivity, and Big Tech traps the masses under their thumbs. Across the globe, pocketable computers are hypnotizing their users via carefully engineered stimuli while simultaneously serving as vehicles for advertisements of more unnecessary products. Thus, the vicious cycle of mindless, wasteful consumption carries on.

That’s why on this notable 44th anniversary, we’re releasing an extremely limited edition 180 gram 4 X LP ‘Animals: 44’ box set packed full of never-before-seen liner notes that didn’t make the cut the first time or in the four or five reissues since.

What’s different in this reissue?

Well, of course, it’s remastered! Subsequent remasterings of the original 1977 recording really “polished up” some of the rough spots which we think detracted from the rebellious message of the work. Using the latest in audio engineering technology, we actually accentuated these idiosyncrasies as if it were never mastered in the first place. But mainly, we just made the whole thing WAY LOUDER.

Why 4 LP’s?

Not only did we want the best pressing quality possible when transferring from our high-bitrate MP3 masters, but we needed extra room for some Easter eggs! Here are just a few:

  • An extended cut of ‘Dogs’ featuring the band arguing over whose whistling sounded more ironic

  • An alternate take of ‘Sheep’ where the left channel is completely overtaken by a crash symbol after a mic stand drooped a little

  • The entire album played in reverse on discs 3 and 4. People seemed to like doing that with Dark Side of the Moon, so we figured why not?

Radical. What else?

We had our interns go out and take some iPhone photos of Battersea Power Station, the subject of the album's iconic cover art, and plastered the gatefold sleeve with them. Unfortunately, we tried to float a huge pig above it again, but it flew away when Harold’s grip slipped. (Nice one, Harold!) Despite that, we partnered up with Apple while they built their new campus inside the facility to gather up some of the construction debris and seal it in the front panel* of each edition!

The pre-order for this remarkable piece of nostalgia starts next month. And don’t forget: if you’re an American Express Gold Member, you get a 3-day head start! This exclusive $89.99 offer is only happening once, so don’t be a sheep!

Sincerely,

The dogs at Universal Music Group

*Do not attempt to open the front panel as the debris may be hazardous.

Fictional Correspondence: An Email From Santa To Jeff Bezos

To: jeff@amazon.com

From: admin@santasworkshop.biz

Subject: NEED TO CANCEL PRIME

Hello, Jeffrey.

It is with deep sorrow that I write this, but I need to cancel my Amazon Prime subscription. I'll just cut to the chase - 2018 was the worst year on record for us here at the old Workshop, and the funding is drying up. Your government's shutdown isn't helping, by the way. I am barely skating by on minuscule kickbacks from Spotify on the Christmas song playthroughs, and Switzerland refuses to donate in any denomination aside from chocolate.

A businessman at heart, I am impressed by your success in the past decade, but after that sinister $20 membership rate hike you pulled back in May, I cannot help but think you have bitten off more than you can chew. Just remember Toys "R" Us was once too big to fail too, Jeff. Don't get me wrong - it was cathartic to see that asshole giraffe’s stranglehold on the toy industry finally crumble last year (I suppose I have e-commerce to thank for that.) The only thing longer than his stupid neck was the list of electronics manufacturers he had blackball me. At the end of the day, the elves are old fashioned hard workers, but tech is popular, and they can't solder onto a circuit board to save their lives. 

Yes, we are in dire straights here at the South Pole, and that is not a typo, Jeffrey. We were forced out of our longtime headquarters shortly after that damned RC drone boom. It didn't take long for those obnoxious things to swarm our compound in flocks, and with our property value literally melting away, we jumped ship. And trust me Bezos, a penguin is as useless as a giraffe in my book. One is staring at me through my window now, and he hasn't blinked in 10 minutes.

I daresay I have weathered it all until this point - the shopping mall impostors, the NORAD Santa Tracker hoax, those Tim Allen movies... But Amazon has made it especially difficult for me. Believers are at an all time low, and I don't blame them. It's Christmas all year round with you people - you even have the nerve to deliver without gift wrap! A never-ending flurry of beige overindulgence! Just remember, I was the ORIGINAL next-day delivery. The omnipotent Santaclaus Prime. But never mind about the believing. My therapist and I have worked on it, and all I need to carry on is to believe in myself.

The issue here is the bottom line. We're in the red. Like, Starbuckscup red. We have already moved the majority of warehouse operations to South America, but the elves can't survive down there without our air-conditioning costs going through the roof. We're cutting costs everywhere, Jeff. I am sure you can imagine how embarrassing it would be to have to downgrade to Amazon.biz. GoDaddy may take down our website by the time you even read this, but the thought of putting a Kickstarter up to make ends meet is making all these cookies churn in my stomach.

Sorry for the rant. I am sure you have bigger fish to fry, as they say. I myself have dozens of cease and desist letters to send out to Netflix. As a matter of principle, it is just better that we part ways. I suppose I will get used to UPS Ground. In spite of all this, I cannot ignore your near perfect record on the Nice List. Just know that in the face of the rampant economic disparity in the past century, we're looking to change the qualifications, so you better watch out.

Sincerely,

Santa