A Letter From Santa To Jeff Bezos

To: jeff@amazon.com

From: admin@santasworkshop.biz


Hello, Jeffrey.

It is with deep sorrow that I write this, but I need to cancel my Amazon Prime subscription. I'll just cut to the chase - 2018 was the worst year on record for us here at the old Workshop, and the funding is drying up. Your government's shutdown isn't helping, by the way. I am barely skating by on minuscule kickbacks from Spotify on the Christmas song playthroughs, and Switzerland refuses to donate in any denomination aside from chocolate.

A businessman at heart, I am impressed by your success in the past decade, but after that sinister $20 membership rate hike you pulled back in May, I cannot help but think you have bitten off more than you can chew. Just remember Toys "R" Us was once too big to fail too, Jeff. Don't get me wrong - it was cathartic to see that asshole giraffe’s stranglehold on the toy industry finally crumble last year (I suppose I have e-commerce to thank for that.) The only thing longer than his stupid neck was the list of electronics manufacturers he had blackball me. At the end of the day, the elves are old fashioned hard workers, but tech is popular, and they can't solder onto a circuit board to save their lives. 

Yes, we are in dire straights here at the South Pole, and that is not a typo, Jeffrey. We were forced out of our longtime headquarters shortly after that damned RC drone boom. It didn't take long for those obnoxious things to swarm our compound in flocks, and with our property value literally melting away, we jumped ship. And trust me Bezos, a penguin is as useless as a giraffe in my book. One is staring at me through my window now, and he hasn't blinked in 10 minutes.

I daresay I have weathered it all until this point - the shopping mall impostors, the NORAD Santa Tracker hoax, those Tim Allen movies... But Amazon has made it especially difficult for me. Believers are at an all time low, and I don't blame them. It's Christmas all year round with you people - you even have the nerve to deliver without gift wrap! A never-ending flurry of beige overindulgence! Just remember, I was the ORIGINAL next-day delivery. The omnipotent Santaclaus Prime. But never mind about the believing. My therapist and I have worked on it, and all I need to carry on is to believe in myself.

The issue here is the bottom line. We're in the red. Like, Starbuckscup red. We have already moved the majority of warehouse operations to South America, but the elves can't survive down there without our air-conditioning costs going through the roof. We're cutting costs everywhere, Jeff. I am sure you can imagine how embarrassing it would be to have to downgrade to Amazon.biz. GoDaddy may take down our website by the time you even read this, but the thought of putting a Kickstarter up to make ends meet is making all these cookies churn in my stomach.

Sorry for the rant. I am sure you have bigger fish to fry, as they say. I myself have dozens of cease and desist letters to send out to Netflix. As a matter of principle, it is just better that we part ways. I suppose I will get used to UPS Ground. In spite of all this, I cannot ignore your near perfect record on the Nice List. Just know that in the face of the rampant economic disparity in the past century, we're looking to change the qualifications, so you better watch out.